And jokes

Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

What is the difference between butter and a blonde? - Butter is difficult to spread.

As a little boy, I walked in on my parents having intercourse one night, and of course, my parents stopped and sent me back to bed.

The next day my dad tells me, "Don't worry son, I wasn't hurting mommy, we were just trying to make you a little sister."

So, when I was young I always wanted a pet. I then looked at my father and asked, "Could you do mommy doggy style next time? I want a puppy."

What is Stephen Hawking's favorite song?

Head, shoulders, screws, and bolts.

Little Jonny walks in on his parents having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says: "Well...we're making you a brother." So little Jonny runs off to let his parents finish, happy that he's going to have a brother soon.

The next day when little Jonny's father comes home, Jonny is crying out on the driveway. The father sits down next to Jonny and asks what's wrong. Jonny cries: "I won't have a baby brother!" His father is confused. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Because the mailman came by today and ate him!"

How does a gay man trick a heterosexual man that is homophobic into giving him a brojob?

The gay man puts mustard on his dick and then puts his dick inside a glory hole.

What do pedophiles and Xboxes have in common?

They both get turned on by kids.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

My grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology." I said, "We will see about that," and I unplugged his life support.

You wanna know what's the difference between a girl and a refrigerator? "A refrigerator doesn't moan when I put my meat in it."

What is the difference between a sloth and a depressed kid? A sloth doesn't need a rope to hang.

I have a fish that can breakdance only for 20 seconds, and he can only do it once.

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex?

One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at, the other one is a coconut.

I have a stepladder. My real ladder left for milk and never came back.

Why are women like hurricanes?

They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.

I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He just stares them down and gets the information he wants.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

What is the difference between a kid's dad and his cancer?

The cancer came back.