And jokes

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?

Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.

What is the difference between a gay man and a fridge? A fridge doesn't moan when you put meat in it.

Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning, and his dad was making a lot of mistakes. Suddenly, his dad screams "bitches and asses!" Johnny asks what it meant, and his dad replied "aunts and uncles." Oh. Next thing he hears is "dicks and pussies!" Johnny asks, "What's that mean?" To which his dad replied, "Uh, coats and hats." Oh. Next thing he know, he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling "fucking, fuck, fuck, FUCK!" "What does that mean, Dad?" And his dad yells, "Cut, Johnny, it means cut!!!!" Oh.

Next week is Thanksgiving, and the doorbell rings, and Johnny answers it and says, "Hey, bitches and asses, hang your dicks and pussies here, Dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Ever wonder where people got their surnames? Mr. Baker was probably a baker. Mr. Butcher was probably a butcher. And then there was Mr. Dickinson...

Why can't a cheetah play hide and seek?

Because he's always spotted.

So there's an orphan in a hospital, and the doctor walks up and says, "Sorry, kid, but this is a family hospital."

My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire

Chuck Norris and Time had a race.

Result: Time is still running...

Me telling my parents I'm depressed: my parents, "No, you're just a little stressed and want attention, am I right?" My depression worsening, me: "Yeah, you're totally right mom..." Me in my head making a plan to commit suicide.....

A girl noticed hair growing between her legs and asked her mom about it. Her mom said it was her monkey and it grows hair. So, she told her sister, and her sister said that ain't nothing, mine's already eating bananas.

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying, Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died, and two weeks later, Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said, "I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next."

What's the difference between an emo kid and a pack of Oreos? The bar code on the emo kid gets longer every day.

Why can't depressed people leave the maze?

Because their lives are the walls and they are too scared to meet the exit.

What's the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag?

The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

9/11 and Jenga are the same.

It's a controlled demolition.

What do milk and Make-A-Wish kids have in common? They both have expiration dates.

What's a similarity between a cliff hanger and nooses?

They both leave you hanging.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.