And jokes

What did one fish say to the other?

Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

What do you do when you see a kid alone? You beat them up and say, "It was self-defense!"

What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.

What is the difference between a boomerang and an orphan's dad?

The boomerang comes back.

What's the difference between what Bill Cosby did and what OJ Simpson did? OJ Simpson's victims actually suffered and I actually feel bad for them (the boyfriend at least).

What do Michael Jackson and Tesco carrier bags have in common? They’re both made out of plastic and harmful to children.

What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.

What do emo kids and bats have in common?

They both hang from trees.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pal of water. Me: incorrect, two pals of water, one to refresh from running up a hill and the one you went to get. I’m sick af from these stories.

I asked a French man if he played videogames, and he said, "Wii!"

What’s red and very rare?

A baby in a blender.

What's the difference between orphans and apples?

Apples get picked.

What’s the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?

Dark humor is ten kids in one container; morbid humor is one kid in ten containers.

A lady walks into a dentist's office, sits on the counter, and spreads her legs. The dentist says, "I think you have the wrong idea." The lady replies, "Last week you gave my husband his false teeth; now you can get them out."

I want to die in my sleep, like grandpa did, not screaming and crying like the people on the bus he drove.

What do rats like on their birthday? Mice cream and cake.

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."