And jokes

Two cannibals have just captured a man and are about to eat him, so they cook him and lay him on a table. The first cannibal says, "You start at the bottom, I start at the top," so they both chow down.

About half an hour later, the second cannibal says, "I'm having a ball!" Then the first cannibal says, "Then you're eating too fast!"

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD?

A trip without kids.

A Muslim enters a building with 100 passengers and an airplane.

What do a blind person and an orphan have in common?

They both cannot see their family.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

"Spray and pray," also known as a priest with an altar boy.

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

Q: What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

A: Neither of them get to see their parents.

What's the difference between Harry Potter and Anne Frank?

Harry made it out of the chamber.

What's the difference between a wizard who raises the undead and a sexy vampire?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.

Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"

John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"

How is a child molester and Harambe the same? They both get shot for touching little kids.

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend."

The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says.

The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

What does an apple and suicidal person have in common?

They're both hanging from a tree.

What did Trump say to Epstein? "I like my tea like I like my teens: warm, sweet, and freshly made."

What has eyes but can't see?

Potatoes, storms, and needles.