And jokes

Friend: Hey, wanna play hide and seek? Me: Sure, I've got a great spot! Me: *grabs knife and runs to my closet*

April Fool's joke: Go to an orphanage and tell them, "Their parents came back."

A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"

What do five dicks sticking out of glory holes and five udders both have in common? They are ready for milking.

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

My family is like treasure. You need a shovel and a map to find them.

A brother and a sister always got into fights. One day the brother tells the sister, "You're adopted!" The sister yells back, "At least they wanted me!"

Q: Why can't science be combined with religion?

A: 'Cause science creates skyscrapers and planes, while religion combines them.

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?

They never get old.

What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."

What's the difference between the Twin Towers and an ugly girl? The Twin Towers at least got fucked.

Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

What starts with M and ends with arriage?

Miscarriage. Now we all know that joke never gets old, and you know what?

Neither does the child.

What's the difference between your jokes and your penis? Nobody laughs at your jokes.

Q. What's long, hard, and scary when you first see it?

A. Calculus homework.

What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.

A blind man walks into a bar, and a table, and a door, and a staircase.