And jokes

I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

Bob the Golden Retriever and Lily the Husky were talking at Bob's house.

Lily: Bob, do you think I'm fat?

Bob: No, Lily, of course not! You're just a little husky!!!! Lol. Golden Retrievers are funny.

Fuck, fuck, and only fuck!

Want to hear a joke? I swear it isn't about my life again.

My mom and dad made a joke together and called it "yeetsu" (me)!

What's the difference between Batman and Robin?

Batman can go to the store without robbin'.

Suicide bombers, carry bombs and remember to breathe.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

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Hi, here's a joke: You're wasting your time and space, you know it... :D

If you're American coming into the bathroom,

And you're American coming out of the bathroom,

What are you in the bathroom?

European.

He drove too far away from the wall, and the cord unplugged.

What has 2 legs and is red all over?

I am counting my fingers and get nine. Why?

What’s the difference between a boomerang and my dad?

Only the boomerang came back. It’s been 14 years, where’s my dad?

How are babies and the elderly similar?

They are both fun to throw out of moving cars.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

What is a car that runs and can't?

What time is it when you walk walk? Time to trip and fall!

I did a walk through and walk home from school, and I got home.

What's the difference between a UKIP voter and a shopping trolley?

Some shopping trolleys have minds of their own.