And jokes

What bumps up and down at 100km an hour?

A baby tied to the back of a speeding truck.

Stephen Hawking drove too far from the wall and unplugged.

He also forgot to pay the power bill.

If you replaced the boss in Portal with a boy, you would hear Stephen Hawking.

What's the difference between a pile of babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage...

The only hood I like is pointy and white.

That's why I can't trust people when I don't see their face at night.

Everyone is talking about Head and Shoulders, and that if he never had a shower, his batteries would have got wet.

Bully: You are a piece of shit.

Person: No, I'm not a piece, and I'm not brown... so no, honey.

What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?

A sad news story.

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."

A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.

The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"

The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."

Q: What's red and screams?

A: A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

Why didn't the bitch ass skeleton fly?

'Cause me mum flew all the way and Trevor is a boofahead.

Superman has been called to a huge house fire.

Superman: "There you are ma'am, everyone out and all safe!"

Mother: "But my children are still inside! You need to go back an--"

Superman: "Ah fuck'em..."

The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

I asked my friend if they wanted to hear a joke about sodium, and they said, "Na."

My Dad keeps beating me and my mom. Please call the police. My name is Jacob Upchurch.

My wife told me to give her 8 inches, so I had to have sex with her 4 times and punch her in the nose.

When she says she wrestles, so you pull out your dick and she punches it.

What's the difference between a BMW and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a BMW in my garage.

What goes in soft and comes out hard?

Gum, you whore!

So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.

Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.