And jokes

A man tried to attack me with milk and cheese—how dairy!

Look at your left hand, now look at your right hand, and tell yourself, "Which hand do you cheat with?"

Wanking.

What's the difference between leafmen and leafwomen? Palm trees.

So my brother said we should start a band, and I said I already had a band. So I gave him my band and he said he was talking about music, and I said, "Well, I do have a trum-bone ;)"

What do you get when you cross a cat and a dinosaur? A cat-astrophe!

So my mom said, "Did you do your homework?" Well, I say yes, and in the hour, I yelled, "This is fake, not real!" 😅😅😅

If Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden are in a boat and it capsizes, who survives? America.

Me: Are you an orphan?

Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?

Me: Where's your parents?

Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?

Me: Because it has a home button.

There was a doctor's room filled with 20 women, 4 kids, 15 men, and 1 dog. However, there were forty foreheads. How is this possible?

(They will think 44 heads, not 40 foreheads.)

Because there are 40 foreheads, not 44 heads.

I will make a funny joke if you let me be your boyfriend. I'm 19 and I am Russian.

Wanna know something funny? Well, there was this one time when my parents were talking about their marriage.

Then after the wedding, they decided to make a joke, and then 9 months later, I was born. My birthday (4/1/06) April 1, 2006.

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

When you slap the mosquito, it stops sucking.

I was at a supermarket in Barcelona and I noticed the alarm had gone off. There was a thief at the store; the tea bag section had been ransacked.

Luckily they found the thief, Pionel Pessi, with boxes of his favourite tea, Penaltea. Shame on you, Pessi!

This is not a joke, it's a warning!

You guys are stupid. I am an orphan, and you better stop doing these. BTW, if you are an orphan, put it in the comments and say that it's not funny!

What does a Hufflepuff wolf say? “I will huffle and puff, and blow your house down!”

That is related to Harry Potter 🧙🏼‍♂️.

What’s the difference between a computer and Paul Walker? I give a crap when my computer crashes.

What's brown and sticky?

An orphan.

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

One day I woke up and went on my phone. Some "pussy" was calling me. I answered it and said, "Hello, pussy?" and a pussy pic showed up.

What do you call a woman with magical abilities and an android? Wanda Maximoff and Vision! Or.... Scarlet Witch and Vision! This joke was added to celebrate and honour Marvel Studios' new series: WandaVision!