And jokes

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?

Because they can’t see their parents.

It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.

Q. What walks through alleys and has a hole in it?

A. Batman's parents.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A: A battery has a positive side.

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

My wife accused me of being a cross-dresser, so I packed up her clothes and left.

What's the difference between a baby and an onion? I cry when I cut up onions.

I like my women how I like my wine.

Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.

Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A: Stoners have papers.

What do a prostitute and peanut butter have in common?

They both spread for bread.

What does Kim Kardashian and the ocean have in common?

They both have plastic in them.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

What do you call Hitler speeding?

The Fast and the Fuherous.

How are Xbox servers like hookers? First they take my money, and then they go down on me.

How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?

Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.

I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

What do leaves and suicidal people have in common? Nothing, one falls from the tree and one doesn't.