America jokes

What do you call a crying dick?

I call it a crying dick.

Shoot.

America once was known as an Obama nation. Now we're known as an abomination.

America: I'm going to build a wall.

Nazi: Been there.

Soviet Union: Done that.

What do you call your brother in Alabama? Daddy.

Hey, do you know why America sucks? We have the death penalty.

Me: *gives her 5 dollars* Climb that flag pole. Cute female: *takes the money and goes up the flag pole* Is this good? Me: Hell yeah, that's a nice view.

*Next day* Here's 10 dollars if you do it again. *She goes up there* Me: How's the view? *She goes home and her mom sees the money* Her mom: Where you getting this money? Her daughter: I climbed a flagpole. Her mom: You know he just wants you to see your panties, right? *She goes back and does it again but doesn't wear panties* Me: Holy shit ;-; Her mom: Did you do it again? Her daughter: Don't worry, Mom, he didn't get to see my panties. Her mom:...

"Emmy and Thomas sitting in a tree."

I'm George Washington. I can't spell "teeth" or "American."

My friend asks for a turkey burger on 4th of July. I say, "That's Thanksgiving, man!"

Germany: As long as America stays out of the war, we should win.

Japan: *bombing Pearl Harbor* Cowabunga It Is!!

Commander: "Fire a warning shot."

Soldier: "Sir, this is a M32 grenade launcher."

Commander: "Potato, potato, just fire."

Soldier: *fires M32 grenade launcher near a pre-school*

Commander: "They're trying to run, TAKE THEM DOWN!"

NASA = Not Africa North America. That's what NASA stands for.

Want to hear a pizza joke?

Never mind, it’s too cheesy.

Your mom walked into a bar and broke all the furniture.

What do you call a best friend that smokes weed?

A pothead. Just because he's your friend, you don't have to support his poor decisions. Jeez, what has America come to?

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest, hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did.

"Bippity Boppity Boo, Donald Trump is gonna deport you!"

Here's how to piss off all of North America.

All the United States is, is South Canadia.

Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."