Frank: I am named frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years. Finley: I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties! Mia: Can we please change the subject?
I may not be your cup tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot if tequila
Nasruddin Hodja was tilling his patch of land when a hunter came riding up.
“Hey, you!" said the man. “Did you see a boar run past?"
“Yes," replied Hodja.
“Which way did it go?" demanded the man.
Hodja pointed in the direction in which the boar had gone.
The man rode away without a word of thanks but he was back within minutes.
“No sign of it!" he said. “Are you sure it went that way?"
“I am certain," replied Hodja. “It went that way. Two years ago."
I told my wife i needed a blood transfusion when i could not remember she said be positive to. Bad i am now a ghost wrighting this
The maid asked her boss, the wife, for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked "Why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maid: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maid: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maid: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maid: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
Even though I look completely white, I am apparently 70% black!
Until I realized that it was a mouth swab test..
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
I am Asian I am so Asian my pronouns are heeEEE/Ya
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...
His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
Who am I rooting for during the Superbowl? Easy. Taylor Swift
used to laugh at Michael Jackson for wearing gloves and a mask.....
Yet here i am, stuck at home in this covid19 Thriller, Beating it.....
I am the Lorax I speak for trees I have the high ground and I will cut off your knees
what did the tower say to the other one
i will see you later i am about to get hit
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day. Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first. Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am. Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet. Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you. Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you. Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down. Most restaurants are closed at night.. but your legs aren’t. I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out. Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight. Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall. I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately... but I hope it’s you. Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream. Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you. Do you sing in the shower? Because if so I need a private ticket of your concert. Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between. Are you a blanket? Because your on top of me every night. Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7. Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream. I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not. Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down. Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up. Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
i am an indian joke
I play saxophone and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason I got multiple restraining orders because I said “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson”, I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.
Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(
We stop by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us “I am wan kin the manager.” So we just left in disgust!
Me and my girlfreind were walking in the woods, HER: I am Scared ME: What do you think I feel I have to walk back alone
frenid: r u gay me: yes u frenid: no I am bi me: dang it frenid: what me: i like u frenid: ok I like u to
