All jokes

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.

I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.

Why were the Twin Towers mad? Because when they spawned in a Minecraft world, all they got was plains.

Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I've ever made.

Then I realize, "My daughter isn't THAT bad..."

A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.

The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

All orphans must be gay because they are not home o'fobic.

I don't get this. Why is it I go to an orphanage and all of a sudden they said I used to be the cutest baby there?

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?

None, because they all cry in the dark.

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?

The dark.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."