My mind was blown when I saw all the people waving at me.
-JFK
All Jokes
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.
A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!
My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?
None, because they all cry in the dark.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.
The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.
Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!
Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!
Mom: ❓❓❓
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?
The dark.
Osama Bin Laden is the best Angry Birds player of all time.
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.
My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
Slavery is like Pokémon, you gotta catch them all.
Why does Michael Joseph Jackson love Boise?
Because of all the boys he'll see.
