All Jokes

So, a blind guy is sitting on a park bench with his seeing eye dog right beside him. Suddenly, his seeing eye dog cocks his leg and pisses all over the blind guy's leg. So the blind guy gives the dog a treat.

A man taking a walk saw the entire thing and said to the blind man, "That is the most charitable thing I’ve ever seen, your dog deliberately pissed on you and here you are giving him a dog biscuit." The blind man says, "Oh it’s not what you think, I’m just trying to find his head so I can kick him in the ass."

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Why can't orphans never run all the bases in baseball? Because they can never make it home.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

A package of Oreos is shown with the text "All cum OWO" written on the label. The standard text "Oreo" has been replaced by "OWO". Below that is written "What's this!" and an arrow is pointing to the cookies.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a bulb?

None, because they all cry in the dark.

The reason why Trailer Park Boys is set in Nova Scotia and not Alabama is because if it was set in Alabama, then they would have to record every instance of incest. And the show's writers would need to know how to cram all of it in one season.

If all your clothes were stolen, what would you go home in?

The dark.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

My therapist once said, "time heals all wounds." So I stabbed him. Now we wait...

Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...

...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."

To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"

Mom: Quit making suicidal jokes!

Me: Don't worry, it will all be over soon, Mom!

Mom: ❓❓❓

Osama Bin Laden is the best Angry Birds player of all time.

I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.

Guys, we should not make fun of 9/11. Like, that stuff is just plain out crazy. Like, you all should not let that fly.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

This man got his left arm and left leg cut off, and someone asked him, "How are you?" And he said, "I’m all right now."

Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."