I may not be your cup tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot if tequila
What do alcoholics and necrophiliac have in common? They both like cracking open a cold one
What do you get when you mix alcohol with literature? Tequila Mockingbird
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive!
I'm gonna open up a bar for emos. I think I'll call it the The Cutting Board.
A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"
Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"
"Our wedding video
A Chinese Drunk and a Jewish Drunk are sitting together on a park bench...
After finishing his drink the Jew takes his bottle and *smashes* it over the head of the Chinese drunk.
"What the hell was that for?" ask the Chinese man, rubbing his head.
"That was for Pearl Harbor!" replies the Jewish drunk.
"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!" he exclaims in return.
"Eh, Chinese, Japanese, Korean... you're all the same to me," the Jewish man explains as he gets up to leave.
The next day, the two drunks are back on the same park bench. The Chinese drunk suddenly takes his bottle, and *smashes* it over the head of the Jew.
"Why the hell did you do that?" the Jewish man stammers.
"That was for the Titanic!" explains the Chinese drunk.
"The Titanic? What are you talking about? No one attacked it, it sunk when it hit an iceberg!" the Jew replies.
"Eh, Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg.... you're all the same to me," the Chinese drunk happily retorts.
The Drunk and a priest
On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.
Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:
"Do you know what arthritis is?"
The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:
"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges and other things I dare not say."
The drunk widened his eyes, shut up and continued reading the newspaper.
A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:
"How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."
if yall gotta crush on me tell me now before my dad spends my valentines money on crack and alcohol
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
If you drink hand sanitizer does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀
You do 1 line, you're not a crack head You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic But I murder 1 person...
Why was Helen Keller slurring her fingers? She was drunk.
what do you call two lesbians in a closet. A liquor cabinet
Kid: Mum how do you know someone is drunk? Mum: See the four birds over there Kid: huh, wait a minute. Mum: A drunk person would see eight. Kid: Mum but there is only two.
