Shower thoughts

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!" >The teacher grabbed Billy, and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, " Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I ***KNEW*** that damn thing had wheels!"

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex.

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK, if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf.

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girlfriend is disabled. Now we wait.

When you reconstruct Michael Jackson and Lil Nas X to wreak havoc on preschool.

Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.

I’m in catholic school.

What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicidal vest?

A suicidal vest actually works when triggered.

I'm gonna open up a bar for emos. I think I'll call it the The Cutting Board.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."

There is a lot of difference between a man and a woman saying, "I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie."

What's the difference between a school in Pakistan and an Al Qaeda base?

Not too sure. I just fly the drone.

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

Cheap oil, no immigration, and no school shootings.

Corona did what Trump promised.

Dating 101:

Here's what you do:

1. Dinner. 2. Kiss. 3. Movie. 4. Sex. 5. Bring her back home. 6. Get paid 15 bucks for babysitting.

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage.

I accidentally texted my wife, "I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her."

How is a marriage like a hurricane?

In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.

Son asks dad, "How much does marriage cost?"

Dad: "I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it."

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.