Wade

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep. There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patient to sleep, so I unplug them.

I hate 2 faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.

How is slavery different from Pokémon? There’s different types of Pokémon

A suicide bomber's biggest fear is dying alone

What has an N, an I, two Gs, an E, and an R?

Ginger! You racist fuc-

How to tell your kid he's adopted: “Son, I'm a virgin.”

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

I got kicked out of Social Studies class when my teacher made us watch a women's rights documentary. When he asked us what the genre of the film was, I put my hand up and said "Fiction".

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

What goes zzub-zzub ?

A bee flying backwards

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."

I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

What do you call a non binary person that is lactose intolerant?

Non-buy dairy

Dark humor is like water. Some people get it, some people don't.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

How does Hellen Keller meet men? She goes on blind dates.

What is a suicide packs favorite song? Let the bodies hit floor

Why are gay ppl so bad at math? Because they cant multiply.

I like George Floyd's new song. It is really breath taking.