Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
Worst Jokes Ever
What do Myspace and my dad have in common?
I haven't seen them in a while.
What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple? Apples get picked.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
Want to know what I do in my freetime?
Punch an orphan, cuz what are they going to do, tell their mom?
How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.
A teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favorite football team is, saying, "Raise your hand if it is Scunthorpe." Every student but one raised their hand. The teacher asks, "Why don't you support Scunthorpe?" The child answers, "My parents support Grimsby, and so do I." The teacher comes back with, "Why are you copying your parents? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" The child answers, "Then I'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards!"
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
Me: A lot of things changed since I got my wife pregnant.
Friend: Like what?
Me: My name, my address, my phone number...
Why do orphans like going to church?
They can actually call someone "father."
If per capita is an issue, decapita can be arranged.
I'm related to diarrhea; it runs in my jeans.
If you don't like my suicidal jokes, sorry man, didn't know it cut that deep.
What's the similarities between Spiderman and a homeless person?
They both have no way home!
Yo mama so fat, the Egyptians modeled the pyramids based on her.
Why don't North Koreans like jazz music?
Because they don't have soul.
Student: A plane is carrying 204 bricks, one falls out, how many are left?
Teacher: 203
Student: How do you put an elephant in the fridge?
Teacher: You can't.
Student: Yes, you can. Open the fridge door, put the elephant in.
How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
Teacher: Open the door, put in the giraffe?
Student: No, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe.
The Lion King is having a party, who isn't there?
Teacher: Let me guess, the lion.
Student: No, the giraffe, he's stuck in a fridge.
Sally has to cross a river full of vicious alligators to get to safety, she gets across safely how?
Teacher: She stepped on the alligators?
Student: No, the alligators are at the party.
Sally dies anyway, how?
Teacher: She frowned?
Student: No, she was hit in the head by a falling brick.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
Sonic Boom in my ass.
