Worst Jokes Ever
Your hairline is so long that sometimes even the president doesn't know where it ends.
My job is so amazing.
Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.
With great depression comes great antidepressants.
If I saw a homosexual or transsexual man do so much as TOUCH my child, he would be dead, zombified, and castrated by the end of the day.
Protect your young'uns from these degenerate freaks and live off the grid so they have no bearing on your life.
What do you do when you're bored?
Beat up an orphan, what are they going to do, tell their parents?
When is the best time to punch a midget in the face?
When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and says your hair smells nice.
I always think that percussions are golden, but cheeks are brass.
I saw a little kid crying because he was lost. I asked him, "Where are your parents?"
God, I love working in an orphanage!
Why don't orphans play Minecraft?
Because Technoblade is on the platform.
When an emo asks you to hang out under a tree...
What do Nemo and my dad have in common?
They both can't be found.
Little Johnny walks out to the garage and sees Dad smoking a cigarette. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have a puff of that cigarette?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.
About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage and sees his Dad drinking a beer. He asks, "Hey Dad, can I have some of that beer?" Dad asks, "Well, Johnny, can your dick reach your ass?" Little Johnny scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, no, Dad, my dick can't reach my ass." His Dad says, "There's your answer, Johnny..." Little Johnny goes back in the house.
About an hour later, Little Johnny comes back out to the garage with a big plate of Tollhouse Chocolate Chip cookies, fresh from the oven. His Dad says, "Wow, Johnny, those sure look like some good cookies. You think I can have some?" Little Johnny asks his Dad, "Well Dad, can your dick reach your ass?" His Dad scratches his head and thinks about it for a moment. He then replies, "Well, yes, Johnny, I do believe my dick can reach my ass." Little Johnny says, "Well, Dad, you can go FUCK yourself, cuz Mom made these cookies for me!!!"
Why do cheetahs always get 100 on a test?
They’re cheetahs!
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
If I had a genie grant me wishes, I wouldn't wish for a million pounds. I'd just wish that every time I buy something I just have the right amount of money in my pocket at the time.
So I had an idea: you and a friend go bar (pub (whatever you call it)) hopping and propose to said friend in each one so everyone buys you free drinks and you get drunk and have a great time.
What's the difference between a dwarf and a Japanese man?
I don't know, you tell me.
What did the slaves say when they met their soon-to-be masters?
"Aaah, a ghost!"
When I said I wanted vegetable stew, I didn’t mean boil Stephen Hawking!
Whoever said men will f**k anything that moves is *dead* wrong.