You jokes
Oompa Loompa Doobity doo, I got a glock and it’s pointing at you.
What do you get when you dip a duck in blue paint?
A very pissed duck.
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
They couldn’t close his casket.
Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese girl?
You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
A pedophile was holding a bag of chocolates and then approached a little girl at the park.
"Hey little girl! If you give me a teeny-tiny kissy-kiss on the tip of my wee-wee, I'll give you a piece of my chocolate!"
The little girl replies, "If I suck your whole cock, can I have the whole bag?"
A robot walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender is flabbergasted that a robot can do that.
"New around here?" said the bartender.
"Nah, been here a while," said the robot.
Bartender "You can talk?"
Robot "Yeah, pretty cool, huh."
Bartender "Why do you want a martini?"
Robot "Oh, I'm just in the mood for one, you know?"
The bartender is shocked to see a robot making completely normal small talk.
The robot seems to be just like a normal human.
"Wow, who programmed you?" asked the bartender.
"The top minds in the world," said the robot.
The robot speaks again, "I have a question for you..."
Bartender, "What?"
"Why did you read this entire story? It does not have a punchline. I just wasted your time. Get bamboozled, nerd!"
Do you know what the F in orphan is for...
Family.
What do you call a teenage boy who doesn’t masturbate?
A liar.
People ask me, "Are you an organ donor?"
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese girl?
You gotta drop the bomb twice before she gets it.
"Room, you on."
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they've already been roasted!
What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.
Feeling stressed? Have a nice cup of tea and spill it in the lab of the person bothering you.
What do you call a stand-up comedian if the comedian doesn’t have legs?
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Pour gasoline on it, then light it on fire and it will go "WOOF!"
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Put it in the deep freeze until frozen solid, then run it through an electric saw and it will go "MMMRROWWWWWW!"
You look like your mom and your dad had a child.
When you find out your wife had a miscarriage,
So you start singing "It’s the best day ever!"
Science can fly you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.