A 17 year old pregnant Juanita flew all the way to NY from TX to get an abortion. Initially, she was denied the procedure because she wasn't COVID boosted, but after she explained the father was religious and wanted to be involved, they quickly resolved the threat.
Things I would’ve missed if my suicide attempt didn’t fail in 2020.
My attempt in 2021.
And my attempt this year.
So my ex, who wouldn't leave me alone because she thought I was the best person in the world even though Will has a better haircut than me, but anyway, when we broke up she said I was the worst person she ever met, and I told her she looks like a cross between a beaver and a mole rat.
Then I told her she has the Wendy's logo haircut and then some other things I'm not gonna say. 2 years of bullshit, I was done.
Anyways, she cried lol.
Johnny: Why do cuss words exist?
Mom: That's not something you should think about right now. I'll tell you when you're older.
|| 20 YEARS LATER ||
Johnny: Mom, now can you tell me why cuss words exist?
Mom: Because some people invented them so that they could use them when something annoying happened to them.
Johnny: Damn, Mom, you shoulda told me that when I was still seven 'cause now I really feel like that person.
A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”
Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"
Me: "Oh hell nah"
If they made a movie about your sex life, what would it be?
In Afghanistan, it would be "Twelve Years a Slave!" 🤣
If you ever feel useless... Just remember that if you ever feel useless... Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with... the Taliban.
Did you hear they think Michael Jackson died from food poisoning? He ate 12-year-old nuts and a 13-year-old wiener.
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
One day I seen a little boy walking in the grocery store, so I asked if he was okay, and he said yes. I asked where his parents were, and he said his mom died years ago and his dad is stuck in the milk aisle.
What do McDonald's and priests have in common?
They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.
One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.
Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.
At 5 years old, I already knew how to throw paper airplanes thanks to my Arabian relatives!
Everyone thought I'd have a great year...
14 years just gave me more chances.
Jesus got rejected. A few years later he died. He came back just to lose his virginity because even Jesus is not a fucking cunt.
Get off this site and go have some sex, you fucking virgins.
God damn it. Fuck Christianity. I'm fucking 30 years old and still a virgin.
THAT'S A JOKE GOD DAMMIT!
Why do orphans hate any milk?
Their dad did not come back for 10 years. Oh, sorry, he got lost in the store! 🤧
Dad: Son, I came back.
Son: Where is the milk?
Dad: Time for another 10 years.
