Welcome Jokes

Roast: What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.

All school meetings introductions:

Grade School; “Welcome Girls and Boys!”

Middle School; “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome!”

High School; “Fingerers and fingerees,”

Welcome to the abortion clinic. You make 'em, we scrape 'em. No fetus can beat us.

Son: Dad, why did you name my sister Paris?

Dad: Because she was made there.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.

Welcome back to the hide and seek world championship! Osama Bin Laden vs. Anne Frank!

Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.

Hi, welcome to David’s sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?

What's the worst thing to say at a funeral? "Hi guys, welcome to my unboxing video!"

An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"

The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."

Welcome to ____ pizzeria and abortion clinic where your loss is our sauce.

My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

Please welcome Mozart's The Magic Flute...

In A minor.

Imagine getting a call and it says, "Welcome to David's orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may we help you?"

johnny was watching TV when you hear them say bitch and bastards so he ask hes dad "what is a bitch and bastard." dad say "a bitch is a female and a bastard is a mail." then johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say ass and shit so he ask hes dad what shit and ass means dad says "a shit is shaving creme like what i'm putting on my face and ass is a coat why don't you bug your mom." so johnny goes back to the TV and then they say fuck so johnny ask his mom what fuck means mom says "fuck means carving like doing to the turkey then a few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door so he answers it he then says "welcome bitch and bastard may i tack your ass" the people then ask wear hes parents are johnny says "my dad is putting shit on hes face and my mom i fucking the turkey.