Weight Loss jokes
When Chuck Norris wants to burn calories, he throws fat children into the fire.
Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work... We were able to lift his coffin.
Why did the man put himself on fire?
To BURN Calories.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
When should you discourage your husband from exercising and dieting? When he wants to fit in your clothes!
Aunt: On the internet, buying weight loss pills for 15 dollars.
Niece: I found that show on Netflix that you wanted to watch. It's 3 dollars to watch.
Aunt: I'm not paying for that shit.
Niece: Yet you sit there and buy weight loss pills.
I keep getting ads about belly fat.
Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
Why can't lesbians wear makeup while on a diet?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig while Mary Kay is sitting on their face.
What did Eminem call himself when he lost weight?
Slim Shady.
Your mother is so fat, she actually went on a diet and started exercising, and I hear she's doing quite well now.
Girlfriend: I just lost 5 pounds!
Me: How many makeup wipes did you need?
Losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.
How did the rape victim on a diet lose 21 grams?
She died.
Why are people in Japan always skinny?
Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.
A woman noticed her husband standing on a bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. "Ha! That's not going to help!" she said. "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."
Location is in London by the way.
One day a fatass came home and told his friend that he lost money.
His friend: "Oh for once you lost some pounds!"