Unders Jokes

What did the man who had sex with an Instagram model in the reverse cowgirl position while going 90 on the freeway get charged for?

Driving under the influencer.

Why didn't the boy want to read "2000 Leagues Under the Sea"?

It was too much pressure.

Your girlfriend/boyfriend says: "I'm dating your uncle..." You start crying and you look under the bed and your uncle says: "Damn."

I’m enyaw and I fancy my PE teacher. She is called Kelly Pearce and I go to Beckfoot Oakbank. I always watch her because I am a creep. I live at school under the stairs, but I also try [to] follow her home, and if I'm unsuccessful I look her up on a dodgy website and go on Google maps and look at her door.

So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.

Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."

A three panel comic strip shows a child in bed talking to his mom about a monster under his bed, calling it the most hideous thing he's ever seen. The last panel reveals the monster is actually his brother in the bottom bunk who replies 'Why do you hate me, brother'

What do you call the United States of America under a Joe Biden presidency?

Answer: The Democratic People’s Socialist States of America. We're still America, just a different kind of America. And that’s no joke. 😔

Here are some skeleton jokes.

You know the average person tries too hard and works himself to the bone.

If that joke didn't tickle your funny bone, I can give you a real humorous joke.

I used to play the trumpet, now I play the xylo-bone.

I'm always happy; nothing gets under my skin.

I made you some turkey for lunch. Bone appetit!

I'm glad I had you; I'm no longer bonely.

I've got a skele-ton of more jokes, but I'm just giving you one more.

Did you hear about the skeleton ninja? He was very skullful (skillful)!

An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."

"What is it?" she asked.

"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.

"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.

"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.

"And your final wish?" the genie asked.

"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."

Some say under his helmet is another smaller helmet, and under that is another helmet, and under that is a poster of Miley Cyrus.

I bet you're naked under all those clothes. Slut.

Well, tell her that Halloween is the best holiday because you can hide Easter eggs under the Christmas tree while eating a big Thanksgiving turkey.

Where did Sally go after the gunshot?

6 feet under.

*That is how deep they put the coffin...*

Jesus shows up and says you’ve got to go to church.

You follow him in, and under their breath, it sounds like somebody says, "You steal." You say in your mind, knowing you have before, "I’m sorry." Then somebody coughs, and under their breath, it sounds like they say again, "You steal," so you whisper quietly, "I’m sorry."

...then somebody in German says, "Schieß den Hurensohn!"

Your wife dumped you because you are so poor and you are so ugly. You also live under a rock and have no money. You got dumped so hard you can't remember you got dumped.

Dad: No, Timmy, you don't have to worry, there is no monster sleeping under your bed, it sleeps every night in the bed next to me.

Your hairline goes back further than when my gran died, and she was buried 6 foot under.

What does a sex offender that is a lesbian have in common with a sex offender that is a feminist?

They only performed cunnilingus on girls under 18 years old.

What is the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when an abled-bodied gay male is receiving an anonymous blow job from a physically disabled gay male under the handicapped stall at a rest area.

Perverted is when an abled-bodied gay male has to give a Klondike Bar to a physically disabled gay male to receive an anonymous blow job under the handicapped stall at a rest area.