Twos jokes

Stephen Hawking talks by clicks. Two clicks is "hi," and five is "dab me up."

My sister lost two things today:

1: Her virginity.

2: Her job at the zoo.

Q: What do you get from a two-legged cow? A: Lean beef.

There were two snakes slithering along when one snake said to the other snake, "Are we poisonous?" "Idk why?" The other snake responded, "'Cause I just bit my tongue!"

I was asked to give a bicycle joke, but I couldn't...

I was two tired.

Daveon is so straight, he thinks a straight line is the shortest distance between two points and nothing else.

Why can't Americans play chess?

Because they already lost two towers.

The last two presidents of the US.

How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale?

They already lost two towers.

Yo mama's so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.

Why couldn't the horse give out a speech?

Option one: Horses can't speak at all.

Option two: His voice was a little *hoarse*.

A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"

If two people who have the clap sleep together, did they make an applause?

There are two muffins baking in the oven. One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”

The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

Two towers.

I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.

Q: Two skeletons walk into a bar. What happens?

A: They fall.

(They walked into a BAR, as in a rod or whatnot.)

Kid: Hey, Dad.

Dad: You're an hour late.

Kid: No, it was two hours. Also, I was working on math.

Dad: By yourself?

Kid: No.

Dad: A boy?

Kid: I was with the teacher.

Two men are sitting at a coffee table.

Mike: "I think I might have a drinking problem."

Joe: "Why do you say that?"

Mike: "Well, last week I got so drunk I blew chunks."

Joe: "That's nothing to be ashamed of; we all drink a little too much sometimes."

Mike: "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog's name."