Twos jokes

What do you call two skeletons dancing in a tin can?

Noise!

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.

What do you call two guys fighting over a slut?

Tug of whore.

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

If BlessedBrian were any more two-faced, he’d be a Rubik’s Cube.

What did the Los Angels Police do when George Floyd said that he could not breath? they gave George Floyd two squirts of zicam cold remedy inside his nose

There were two friends talking one day. Tim tells John, "I think I'm gay."

John says to Tim, "What do you mean?"

Tim says, "When I grow up, I want to dress like a woman and sing karaoke in a bar and call myself (Gillette the best a man can get)!"

John says to Tim, "I think you're right, and thanks for reminding me I need to buy razors."

Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀

Why are Americans so bad at Clash? They already lost two towers.

Why is America bad at Clash of Clans?

Because they already lost two towers.

Yo mama so fat that when she took a selfie, she needed two phones.

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I found two of the same Lego Duplo sets, so I called ‘em “Duplocates.”

Two antennas got married. The ceremony dragged on, but the reception was excellent.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

What's braver than coming out gay? Taking a shit in an elementary school bathroom with those two kids that always mess with you and turn off the lights.

If I had two nickels every time PETA parodied a game, I'd have 14.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one.

She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance, and he replied, "I'm not much good, I have two left feet."

"Then how about Karaoke?"

To which he replied, "I have two left throats."

What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?

Kid's.