Twos jokes

What do you call an Indian eating cows? Mooove to jail.

Two Chinese men walk into a bar.

"Owwwwwwwwwww," they say instead of "ouch."

Why are Americans so bad at chess?

They already lost two towers.

Why are Americans so bad at Clash Royale? Because they already lost two towers.

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

So two dudes were at a bar and out of nowhere they hear, "Oi mate, talk to me like that again, I'm gonna shove this stick so far up your ass you'll look like a Popsicle."

Son: Dad, what are those two huge balloons on mommy's chest?

Dad: I don't see balloons, but I see boobs. I mean, yes, balloons.

Son: Are you sure they're balloons? Yesterday I heard Uncle Frank trying to get a milk dispenser working.

What’s the difference between a boomerang and an orphan's parents?

One of the two actually came back.😂

I hate two-faced people because I don’t know which face to slap first. :)

Two gays came into the bar and said, "What's up, you big faf mother of hell?"

A twin engine has two engines.

If one engine stops, the other will have just enough power to get the plane to the scene of the accident.

What did the white baby say to his Chinese parents?

"Two wongs don’t make a white."

Why were the UK and the USA bad at chess?

Because they lost their queen and two towers.

"I’m coming for you two!"

What happens when two walls meet?

They are cornered.

Symptoms of Schizophrenia

The symptoms of this condition are fairly easy to recognize because they stand out so distinctly from a person’s usual behavior. In order for a diagnosis to be made, the person must suffer from two more of the following for at least one month:

Delusions

Hallucinations

Two muffins are sitting in a bar.

The first muffin says to the bartender, "I'll have the usual."

The second one does not say anything to the bartender because muffins lack the vocal ability of humans, and even with the proper anatomy capable of speech access, they would most certainly be entirely unable to comprehend the human language. In fact, the first muffin would indefinitely not be able to provide speech to the bartender. The muffins also lack the muscular structure to be capable of support themselves to being suspended also preventing their access to movement. Even with the human-like structure, muffins lack brains, which are an essential part of being able to send nerve contact within the legs to be able to move. Also, with them lacking a brain structure entirely prevents them from speech. The anatomy simply prohibits the food items mentioned to be able to carry out any of the tasks required to get them to said bar and be able to speak, thus making the situation untruthful and completely idiotic.

The FitnessGramTM Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

Level 1 Feel it One Two Three Four Five Six Seven; end of level one.

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

Why will America always lose in chess?

It lost its two towers!