Two jokes
What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
The Christian, the Buddhist, and the Muslim each go on a separate plane.
The Christian's and the Buddhist's flight goes well, but the Muslim's plane has a problem and crashes into two towers.
My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.
I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"
Jeffery Dahmer has two things: an RV and a pit.
What is different about the two is that one can't move and one has gas.
But what is similar is tha-
Wait, what is Jeffery doing? He has a knife, he is pulling men's pants down, he is...OH SHIT WHAT THE F-!
Sorry 'bout that......
Now, as I was saying,
What is similar about the two is that one has and is a cockpit.
Wait, a cockpit- JEFFERY WHAT THE F-!
You were born so fat they needed two cranes to carry you.
These two guys were texting each other.
Guy 1: How are you?
Guy 2: I’m great. The weather is lovely here. Guy 2: *sends picture of a flying spring*
Guy 1: ???
Guy 2: Springs in the air. :)
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One (flips lens) or two? One (flips another lens) or two?
Two men are next to each other. One looks at the other and asks, "Are you a fascist?"
The other man responds, "No, why would I be?"
The first man pulls out a gun and says, "Are you sure?"
The second man says, "Never mind, I am a fascist!"
Which two football teams played in the pirate Superbowl?
The Seahawks and the Buccaneers.
Two nuns in a bathtub.
One nun asks, "Where's the soap?"
The other nun says, "It sure does."
What is 8 divided by 2?
Answer: 3 (you cut 8 in half).
My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”
The doctor said I had two years to live, so I shot him. The warden gave me 50. Problem solved!
Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."
If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language?
An American.
Two emos are dating, and the most romantic thing they have ever done is slit each other's wrists.
Watersharky Music Productions Presents Memories by Conan Gray.
One, two
It's been a couple months That's just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures Now I kinda smile, I haven't felt that in a while It's late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it's pouring I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can't turn away a wet dog But please don't ruin this for me Please don't make it harder than it already is I'm trying to get over this I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories Now I can't say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again I promise that the ending always stays the same So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again I can't be your friend, can't be your lover Can't be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories Since you came I guess I'll let you stay For as long as it takes To grab your books and your coat And that one good cologne That you bought when we were fighting 'Cause it's still on my clothes, everything that I own And it makes me feel like dying I was barely just surviving I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories.
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!