Two jokes
Two ropes meet. They ask each other, "Why are you wearing a hijab?" The other replies, "I want to go into the water now."
You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.
When your little brother knocks your two Jenga towers you made with his toy airplane,
You: "Hey, stop trying to recreate the Twin Towers!"
There are two kids sitting in a classroom: Lily and John. Lily sleeps in class every day.
The teacher asks Lily who made heaven and earth. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
The teacher says, "That's right."
The teacher says the next day she asks the same question. John pokes her with a pencil. She shouts, "Jesus Christ Almighty!"
"That's right," the teacher says.
The next day she asks Lily what did Eve say to Adam after their 100th. John pokes her again. "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'mma break it in half!" she shouts.
People who are annoying. There are two of them.
1. Capet.
2. Akeld.
The winner is "Akeld," although Jordan Calerendiá comes in with a tie. Yah! Not really!
Yo mama's so fat, it took me two buses and a train to get to her good side.
So two dudes were at a bar and out of nowhere they hear, "Oi mate, talk to me like that again, I'm gonna shove this stick so far up your ass you'll look like a Popsicle."
I don't usually like to tell 9/11 jokes for two reasons: they're morally wrong, and they tend to crash and burn.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
Which one's super super corny?
1. What's blue and not heavy? (🤔) Light blue.
2. What's blue and super hard to see?
Dark blue. (🤔)
Me: What has two legs and bleeds?
Friend: Um, women? Obviously?
Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.
How do you ride two bikes at once?
You ride them in tandem!
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
Why was one afraid of every number in the world?
Because ONE wanted TWO get something THREE FOUR FIVE at the yard sale, but SIX was not there. SEVEN EIGHT NINE as well. When all but ONE remained, it got TENse.
What do you call a cat with two legs instead of four?
Dead and without use, that's what I feel like.
"If two sides in a battlefield read my book, there will be no winner."
Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
What is it called when two Mexicans play basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.
"What the heck are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep."
Are you interested in it?
More than two boot branches.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.