Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."
Tomatoes Jokes
Why did the tomato blush? -- Because it saw the salad dressing.
Asked my dad what LGBT stands for.
He started with "Lettuce? Bacon. Tomato. What's the 'g' for?" Obviously, I had to reply with "Garnish."
Why are tomatoes 🍅 the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
If tomatoes are a fruit, does that mean ketchup is a smoothie?
What’s the difference between an orphan and a tomato?
The tomato gets picked.
🧀: C’mon tomato!
🍅: I’m trying to ketchup.
🧀: You’re a mile away.
🍅: I am a tomato! It’s not that easy for me to ketchup.
What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!
(There was a mommy tomato, a daddy tomato, and a baby tomato.)
Baby: Wait for me!
(Father tomato walks back toward the baby.)
(He squishes the child.)
Father: Ketchup!
"Hotel Rwanda" has a high score on Rotten Tomatoes, but their Yelp reviews are terrible.
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
Did you hear about the tomato and the lettuce race?
Well, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!
Why did the tomato cross the road?
To ketchup with his friends on the other side.
The fries were the slowest in the race and they said, "We need to ketchup to the tomato!"
Why is a tomato red?
Because it saw the ranch dressing!
What did the tomato say to the empty ketchup bottle? "GOD STAY AWAY FROM ME!"
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call an abortion in a bathtub?
Chunky Tomato Soup.
How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.
Did you hear about the race of the tomato and lettuce? Well, the lettuce was winning and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
