Throw jokes

You know the difference between happy tailgaters and angry tailgaters?

Happy tailgaters know how to throw a party.

I threw a boomerang two years ago... I live in constant fear.

An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.

What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."

What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?

Throwing the baby off a cliff.

When I throw a dodge ball at a person taller than me, it's always a nut shot.

Sara opens her lunch and reads the letter inside. "I packed your favorite -love mom," Sara reaches in and announces "yay PB and J!" Tom goes in his lunch and pulls out a letter "go buy yourself something healthy at the cafeteria -Dad," then pulls out 20 bucks and says "nice!" They both look at Craig as he pulls out a letter. Craig reads the letter in his head, it said "WE HAVE YOUR PARENTS, THEY TELL US THEY KEEP THE MONEY UNDER THEIR BED. BRING $10 000 TO THE RANDAVOU POINT OR THEY WILL BE KILLED. YOU DIDN'T TAKE US SERIOUSLY LAST TIME SO THERE IS MORE PROOF IN YOUR LUNCH." Craig throws down the letter and pulls a finger out of his lunch. Tom and Sara look shocked, then Craig says "ugh, severed finger, again!"

"Buy a man an airplane ticket, he will fly once. Throw a man off an airplane and he will fly for the rest of his life."

- Sun Tzu

If I was an object in this world, I’d be a glass! Because if you leave me when I’m too close to the edge, I will likely shatter and break.

If I was a pizza topping, I would be pineapple! Because everybody doubts me.

I’m a star! Because one of these days, I’m going to crash and burn...

If I could choose what creature I come back as after I die, I’d be a panda, because people would give a shit if I went extinct.

I’m like the sun; I’m painful to look at.

If I was a food, I would be chopped liver because nobody likes me.

I’m like an eggshell... broken and empty.

If I was a mythical creature, I’d be a unicorn! Because nobody believes in me.

I’m like a flashlight with old batteries inside because my inner light died a long time ago.

My soul is a raisin because it’s dried up, shriveled, and not everyone likes it.

I’m like the moon because you only get to see one side of me.

I’m like the moon because as the month progresses, my life becomes covered more and more by darkness.

I’m like an extremely powerful fan! Because I push everyone away.

I’m like a disposable camera! People use me once and then just throw me away.

I’m like a shitty book cover... because people think they have the right to judge and label me before they read my pages.

My brain and body is essentially a really old married couple that can’t afford to go through with the divorce, and now they are stuck in a toxic relationship they are desperate to escape, but the more they try, the more they sink into the quicksand that is my depression and anxiety.

Help me...

Why did Leah throw the butter out of the window? To see a butterfly!

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Throw a brick in its mouth.

Who do Chinese people name their kids?

Throw the forks and knives down the stairs.

When I saw your face, it instantly made me throw up.

Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

A: Throw in some laundry.

Yesterday, a guy threw a liter of milk at me.

How dairy!

"Where are you? [Because you] make me wanna throw up every time I see you."

What do you get when you throw a pile of dead babies into a fryer?

Kentucky Fried Children!

What's it called when you eat those same babies?

Finger Lickin' Good!

The moment when you throw the nut away and try to eat the shell.

I met a fat chick at the beach.

People started asking me what I use for bait, or do you want us to help throw the whale back in the water?

How do Chinese people name their children?

They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."

Did you know penguins can fly if you throw them hard enough? Just like children!