So one day, I took a trip to Russia, and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any body guards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days. After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I had said yes, and the officer said god help us. So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent, and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said. I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy. He said we did, and that we were extremely drunk.
The other day, my best friend flipped off the table in class. I thought it was flipping amazing.
Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?
Half of the class: *raises hand*
Teacher: ...
The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*
Q:Why did the Koala Fall off the tree A:because it was dead Q:Why did the second Koala fall off the tree A:Because it was hit by the first Koala Q:Why did the third Koala fall off the tree A:Because it thought it was a game and joined in
My step bro thought I was single and tried to Take me but I said I'm take and guess what he did cried". Why wwhy would u do that
A lot of people get mad at me for my bad jokes. I always thought they were punderful
Hi guys. I am so happy and proud of myself and i thought i should share with you!! Today i saw myself on TV when i turned it off.
Enemy: You know, I saw you walking down the street and at first glance, I thought you were a fat and ugly bitch Me: Strange...Who puts a mirror in the middle of the street?
Two guys were walking down the street and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any Blond in the world into giving him a Blowjob, any Blond! So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said alright let's see it! The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, Hi my names Dave and my Doctor just told me that if I didn't get a Blowjob from a Blond within three hours that the disease I have will kill me in 'oh less see now 22 minutes! She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says pull it out! 10 minutes later the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out! So he walks over to her and says I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friends life?! So she looks up him just crying her eyes out even worse and says" I could have saved my dad!"
My friend and I joined a french fry eating contest, but I just couldn't ketchup. So we switched to cheese burgers, but I still couldn't mustard up the speed to lettuce win. I mayo not have thought this through. So we switched to fruits, but when it got to the watermelons, I started to feel a little green. My friend couldn't seed the point of us continuing anymore. I just couldn't digest the stress I guess :D
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the fridge.
Taken from www.keeplaughingforever.com
Hey I ask for a paper but I thought it was a cut but turns out it was tearable
Bring a knife into the shower. NEVER gunna see that coming! He pulls the curtain like ‘ re re‘ and your like ‘ re re ‘ yourself motherf*ucker and stab him right in the eye! You thought the psycho was out there? SUPRIZE the psycho’s IN HERE with the Irish Spring on them!
So I thought about trying to eat a clock one day. After about 13 tries, I realised this was very time consuming
A clown held a door open for me, I thought it was a nice jester
Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 3000 years? Because he thought he was old enough to leave home.
That is one of the very, very, very, very, VERY WORST jokes ever.
i told my friend an egg joke yesterday he thought it was eggcelent.
Why did the orphan cross the road? He thought he saw his mother.
A nun went to the pub and ordered a gin the bartender said to her I thought nuns weren’t allowed to drink and she said not usually but I am doing the bishop a favour the bartender then asked if she was coming to the music evening and she said no I am with the bishop tonight.
i thought my wife was joking when she said she was gunna leave me because i wouldn’t stop singing “im a believer” but then i saw her face
