This jokes

Asylum

    • There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, they decide they don't like living in an asylum anymore. They decide they're going to escape!

    So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. You see... You see, he's afraid of falling.

    So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

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    • Gay

    • If you give this a thumbs down, you're gay. If you give it a thumbs up, you're straight.

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    • School shooting

    • I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don’t understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what’s so sad?" and she said, "What do you think was running through these kid’s head before they died?" I replied, "probably a bullet." She gasped and said, "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent’s heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

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    • Comment

    • We are close to beating the world record of comments on this website (171). Right now, there are 155, so put more comments!

    Fear

    • Riddler: Riddle me this, are you scared of the big black?

    Person: Big black what?

    Riddler: ...

    Person: I'm scared of what you mean because you won't tell me what you mean.

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    • This memes

    Present

    • Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

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    • Blonde

    • A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.

    She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”

    The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”

    The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”

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    • Ground Zero

    • A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"

    An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"

    The Scouser says, "Liverpool."

    The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"

    The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"

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    • Baby

    • Instead of the line, "This girl's on fire," my friend can relate to, "The baby in the oven's on fire, and I need to take it the f*ck out!"

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    • Woman

    • Came across the headline this morning whilst reading the paper...

    "Woman beats off Rapist in carpark!"

    I suppose that was a fair compromise!

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    • Parent

    • So, my parents were telling me about this dark joke they made 17 years ago, but they didn’t actually tell me the joke... I was the joke. 😭😭😭😔😔😔😒😒😒

    Asian

    • I called an Asian person and asked, 'Is this Mister Wing?' 'No.'

    I called once more and asked, 'Is this Mister Wong?' 'No.'

    I guess I 'winged the Wong number.'

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    • Light Bulb

    • So my dad tells these jokes and someone posted one on this website so...

    How many Polish people does it take to change a light bulb? 101, one to hold the light bulb and 100 to spin the house.

    There’s also one about a bowling ball in a bath tub he hasn’t told me that though. I'll research that.

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