Why can't an orphan play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
They say Jesus walked on water.
That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.
I went home and I saw my friend kissing my sister. I said, "What’s going on?" They both told me that they’re going out with each other. I said, "Alright."
The next morning, I see my friend kissing my mom. I said, "What’s going here?" They both told me they’re going out with each other. Then my friend said to me, "I gave you 3 gifts. 1 gift, I’m your best friend. 2 gift, I’m your new brother-in-law. 3 gift, I’m your new stepfather." I felt so happy I had a friend that [is] looking out for me.
One day I was going home, and 7 married men came to me and said, "You should be proud of your sister." I asked why. They told me it was the best that they ever had, and we got your sister a trophy.
So I went home, my sister said, "Look at my trophy I earned." The trophy said "The Best Blow Jobs." As a bro, I couldn’t be more prouder.
What does Stephen Hawking and a prostitute have in common?
They both charge.
I found a rock at the park. I threw it at some orphans.
What would they do? Go to their family?
In a thick Russian accent:
"Let's buy some vodka, pollute the earth with oil, and make insecure nuclear power plants that break all the time! Ah, yes. The mother land. A great place to be. Not like those stupid Ukrainian people who are living happy lives, they are crazy and need to die."
Why does an orphan go to a spelling bee?
So they can spell "home."
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't make it to home.
I don't trust trees...they look shady.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't get a home run.
What does a man masturbating and a mayo bottle have in common?
They can both squirt out their cum.
One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
Mirrors don't lie, and lucky for you, they don't laugh.
My friend said they were going to make a comeback. I told them to do it at the back of the throat.
You're so fat that when you got on the scales, they said, "I need your weight, not your phone number!"
Why don’t orphans play the game of hide-and-seek?
They won’t be found because no one will look for them.
What has teeth but doesn't use them to chew? The answer would be a comb or a piano, but technically, if you ripped someone's teeth out and hand them to them, they have teeth but can't chew with them.
My sister told me she liked Medusa.
I said, "Huh?"
My sister said my blow jobs are so good she looks up at the guy's facial expression, and when they look down, they do nothing but stay still.
What is the same with emos and orphans? They both are unwanted.
