What do McDonald's and priests have in common?
They both shove their meat into 10-year-old buns.
What do my wife and dinner have in common? They are both vegetables.
What do emos and the Lorax have in common?
They both hang with trees.
Why are the people that get your order at restaurants called waiters? They don't wait for the food; we wait for the food. They should be called "note takers." They take notes for food.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey.
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make Sour Patch Kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make Sour Patch Kids.
Daughter: Oh, that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
Because they can’t find home base.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
They ordered pepperoni and got plane.
Me: I hit an orphan!
Mom: OMG WHY?
Me: Not like they can tell their parents-
I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got excited and asked if I could drive a plane.
Why can't orphans have sex?
Because they have nobody to call "daddy."
Why do people hate math? They always get hungry while learning about the pie chart.
Orphans can't call their parents if they get hurt! Sorry.🩹
Luca’s Mom and Dad be throwing the kids into the fountain in the city, but they're sea monsters, so if they went to jail for that, they would be on death row anyway. 🤣
Why do they call him Mankind if he is always choke slamming people?
Why don’t emo girls go to self checkout?
Because every time they scan, it scans twice.
A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane.
The German sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Germany." The others ask, "How do you know?" The German says, "Because it's so cold."
Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says, "We are in Australia." The others ask, "How do you know?" He replies, "Because it's so warm."
Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says, "We are in Mexico." The others ask, "How do you know?" He says, "Because my watch is gone."
My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.
Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.
I smacked an orphan.
What are they going to do? Tell their parents?
Why do duckies wipe after they poop?
Their butt quack.
Bored? Beat up an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
