Them jokes
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, for instance when you push them down the stairs.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
Your momma's so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her ass is still in them.
Why do they call me a firefighter? Because I find them hot, and I leave them wet!
Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
What is the best part of twenty-one year olds?
There's twenty of them.
All of them suck.
What's the best part about having sex with 28 year olds? There are 20 of them.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt. The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed." The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong." The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
There were people having sex when it started sinking. Legend tells when you go near the ship you can see semen, and if you listen close enough you'll hear them moaning.
Now that's a hell of a ghost story!
What does Michael Jackson like about 28 year olds? There's 20 of them!
My mom is the jelly, and my dad is the peanut butter. And I am the bread, the only thing keeping them together.
My wife and I have made a difficult choice and have decided we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
God, when terminally ill children beg him to heal them:
God: No, I don’t want to.
What's the best thing about having sex with 28 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common? I fucking hate their whiny asses and beat them up.
Father: I am taking your toys to the orphanage.
Son: Why?
Father: You’ll need them there.