Them jokes
My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to have a thrill with pills. Jack came down, fuck a clown, and the cum made them frown.
Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?
In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.
Someone I know is an ant. I feel like a mountain to them.
Gun control in America is perfect the way it is, because the other day my daughter was seeing a boy and i caught them in bed. Then i pulled out my shotgun and nearly shot him. As he was running away I shouted " The only person allowed to f*ck my daughter is me!".
Father: I’m taking your toys to the orphanage.
Child: But why?
Father: So you won’t be bored. You’re going to need them there.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
Why don't some people have balls? Because they play soccer with them.
Once upon a time, a donkey was in the jungle. Suddenly, he found a lion costume and then wore it. Then he walked around the forest, and every animal was scared of him. Then he got to the city, and every human was away from him. He was chasing them when he was chasing his owner. He brayed, and then they figured out that this was not a real lion, and then he told everybody about it. Then he berated his donkey.
An ugly, arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would screw you twice."
They have a new line of socks for paraplegics. They are so comfortable they can't even feel them.
Why do basketball players love cookies so much?
Because they can dunk them!
How does a prostitute that has blond hair and polish and a gay white male kill erectile dysfunction for his clients?
He performs fellatio on them.
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
If your eyes were the sea, I would drown in them.
Why can’t an orphan go to a youth church? Because they need a parent to pick them up.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm getting over it.
joe: Are your mom and dad nice?
zozo: Well, they were until I murdered them over a bottle of Pringles.
joe: Oh, so you are an orphan and a murderer.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Why is black mystery not an Airheads flavor? Because we already know what happened to them. *shot fires*