Them jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

I'd like to have kids one day.

I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.

Why do humans hate aliens?

Because Fortnite took them out of the game, and I want aliens back in Fortnite!

Q: What do a prostitute and a vacuum have in common?

A: If they stop sucking, you can smack them until they start again.

The teacher asked her class to use "definitely" in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand to answer, yet the teacher passed him and went on to Kevin. "The sky is definitely blue." "Very good Kevin, but the sky can also be blue or black," the teacher replied.

Little Johnny raised his hand again as high as he could, yet the teacher passed right over him and picked Annie from the back of the room. "The grass is definitely green." "Very good Annie, but it can also be brown." Little Johnny was waving his hand like crazy seeking her attention. Finally, she called on him. "Mine's more of a question, but do farts have lumps in them?" "Why no, Johnny, why would you ask such a question?" She questioned. "Well, if they don't have lumps in them, then I definitely just shit myself."

Why don't orphans get dad jokes?

Because they don't have a dad to tell them.

In a game, there are crew members that have to keep the ship running. But little did they know, there was an imposter among them.

Sound familiar? 🤔

Well, in September 11th...

Pussies and tits have one thing in common: they're both made for kids, but men end up licking or suckling them.

Looks like I lost an electron, I should keep a better ion them.

What did the Twin Towers' mom say when she fed them? "Open wide honey, here comes the airplane."

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

Why do trees never call emo kids? Because they always hang up on them.

How are guys and tile floors alike?

If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years.

The other day my friend messaged me saying, "bro I have two pieces of bad news for you." I told him to combine them. He replied with, "your girlfriend is cheating on both of us."

When I dunk my cookies in milk, I think of you. I hold them down until the bubbles stop.

Why do orphans get to watch rated R movies? Because their parents can't stop them.

What's the difference between my car and a school bus? A school bus takes them back home.

Ya know, genders are kind of like the Twin Towers.

There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s a touchy subject.

"My wife is so crazy," said Beatem's McSmasher.

"Why?" asked his buddy Don Caretomarch.

"She's sitting on the front verandah packing my shit in boxes!"

"You getting kicked out, bro?"

"Yeah, all I did was break every plate in the house over her head. Some people have no sense of humor."

"Is she one of them woke bitches?"

My family is like a treasure.

You need a map and shovel to find them.