The jokes

A Catholic gay male that is well-endowed goes to confession, and while he is inside the confessional booth, the Catholic priest is sucking his dick, and he says to the Catholic priest, "What are you doing, Father?"

And the priest says, "It's called giving a blowjob."

And the Catholic gay male says, "Why are you giving me a blowjob, Father, inside the confessional booth?"

And the Catholic priest says, "If there was no glory hole in the confessional booth, my son, it would not be called a confessional booth in the first place."

A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.

Mom says: "I will go kill myself."

Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*

Some time later me fighting with my mom:

Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"

Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"

Lesson?

So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?

What does Matthew McConaughey say at the Republican convention...

We're gonna take back what is ours, alt right, alt right, alt right, hee heeeee...

Sonic can run around the world in a second. I can do it in 0.5, but Chuck Norris has already done it before us.

Stephen only died because his wife tripped over the power cord.

Q: Why is Japan the healthiest country?

A: Last time they had a fat man, 80,000 people died.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It gets really tense.

Yo mama so fat, when she fell, I didn't laugh, but the concrete laughed up.

The terrorists lost their landing gear and had to make a crash landing into the closest building because religion.

What is the difference between a redhead and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist!

Your mom's so heavy that it caused Atlas, the Titan, to slip a disc.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday.

Oh, don't worry, he's okay now.

But the vet charged me six quid.

Yo mama's so fat, she irons her clothes on the driveway.

I walked out of the electronic store and saw a midget carrying a big screen TV all by himself. He looked like he needed a hand, so I offered to help.

He said, "This is not a big screen TV, it's a Kindle!!"

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says, "Don't you mean a Martini?" The Roman then says, "Look, if I want a double, I'll ask for one."

Heard the Helen Keller single?

It’s called ERRRRRAGHHH!!!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It doesn't matter, he's dead.

OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

What did the salt say to the vinegar during the sweet and sour dynasty?

"STUPID VINIGGER!"