The jokes

Baby

My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...

What happened?

Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.

Cow

How do you see the difference between a cow and a bull? It’s either one or the udder.

Nba

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?

The NBA because all the black guys are playing.

Anus

What did the poo say when it fell out of your bum?

"Your anus looks like my mum's bedsheet which is smelly and covered in poo."

I also just wanted to add that a Goonie's anus looks like my nan's mouth.

Marijuana

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed Jill's thigh and said, "I know you wanna!"

Jill said yes, lifted up her dress, and then they had some fun,

But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

Emo

What falls first, the emo or the leaf? The leaf. The emo was hanging.

Kidnapping

Mario: Princess Peach got kidnapped again!

Luigi: Where did they go?

Mario: To the left.

Luigi: Fuck

Mama

Yo mama so old.

Her first Christmas... was the first Christmas!

Husband

A married woman asked her husband if he saw the future. The husband answered her, "I have no eye, dear."

Job

Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?

He was trying to get ahead in life.

Spell

What is a dirty minded Harry Potter fan's favorite spell before the deed? Dickus Embigus!

Friend

I'm surprised that the tree is still standing when my emo friend is hanging from it.

Can

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

Watermelon

Dude, if there is a watermelon, shouldn't there be an earthmelon, airmelon, and a firemelon? The elemelons.