The jokes

Why did the octopus blush?

He saw the bottom of the ocean.

Why is baby shampoo the best anal lube?

No more tears.

What's the difference between a skeleton and a baby? I don't set the skeleton on fire.

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.

What did the cow say to the sheep?

“Moo!”

What did the sheep say to the cow?

“That was a bad joke!”

What did the gay guy say to his boyfriend before leaving to go on vacation?

"Do you need help packing your shit?"

What did the squirrel say to the dog?

"There are nuts in your poop. I found them!"

Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "Man, it's hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!"

My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

What's similar between a pregnant 14 y/o girl and the foetus inside of her?

They both are thinking "My mom's gonna kill me!"

Question: How bad is German WiFi?

Answer: It's the wurst.

Roses are red, your penis is blue, the bed sheet has turned a different color, too.

What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

"Same time next month?"

How do you know when it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

The big hand is on the little hand!

What number is better; 46 or 47?

I don't know, ask the kid with Down syndrome.

What was blue and black and doesn't like to have sex... The little girl in my trunk.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture frame?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture frame.

There was a cowboy riding in a desert when he saw a little girl up ahead. He heard her crying, so he went up to her and climbed down from his horse and asked her: "Hey, what's going on? Why do you cry? Where are your parents? What happened?"

The girl said in a crying, sad voice, "The Indians came, killed my father and my mother, and raped my sister."

The cowboy just laughed, unlocked his belt, and pulled his trousers down and said, "Guess it isn't your day, is it?"

Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.

The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.

Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.

After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."

Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.

Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"

What does an apple and a gay person have in common?

Both fruits hang in trees out in the Middle East.