The jokes
The last time I had flying lessons, I hit some building in Manhattan. Then my Uncle got shot in 2008. Darn...
What did the robber say to the clock?
Hands up!
A man was walking down the street with a swivel chair under one arm, a computer under the other, and a desk strapped to his back.
A policeman ran over to him and handcuffed him, saying, "I'm arresting you for impersonating an office, sir!"
Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.
He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.
Did you hear the one about the hills?
It was hillarious.
Memes
Why couldn't the man get out of the maize maze?
He got corn-ered!
haha why couldn't the bike stand up because it was too tired.
Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.
Why did the orphan cross the road? They thought they saw their mother.
Why was the Human Torch arrested?
He had firearms.
That was a horrible pun. You should be sent to the PUN-itentiary!
Women are like grenades: you pull the ring and BOOM, the house is gone!
Did you know Princess Diana had dandruff?
Yea, they found her “head and shoulders“ on the backseat of her car.
Leo: Mother, what is an idiot?
Mother: An idiot is someone that explains something in a long, boring way so that the person that the idiot is trying to explain to doesn't understand.
Mother: Do you understand?
Leo: No.
Q: Why are the 49ers called the 49ers?
A: 'Cause they can't make it past the 50-yard line.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Why is a tomato red?
Because it saw the ranch dressing!
What is the difference between a brown bear and a polar bear?
About a few thousand miles.
Why should you never give an orphan a phone?
Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.