The jokes

The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

Who reads the fastest?

The pilot of the plane who hit one of the twin towers. He took out 83 stories in one go.

I wasn’t staring, I was just trying to figure out if that was your hairline or the Great Wall of China.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because it was a very large mammal; its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”

What’s the best part about twenty-eight year olds?

There’s twenty of them.

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

I hate when I lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. Where do I lose my friends from Afghanistan?

In an explosion.

One time this kid came back from school and said, "Mom I have one good news and one bad news, which one do you wanna hear first?" And his mom said, "Good news please," and the boy said, "I got 100% on my math test today." and his mom gave him a hug, and the boy said, "Now to the bad news, I LIED!"

Why did the noble gas cry?

Because all his friends Argon.

What do you call a night guard at the glory hole inside a adult bookstore?

Guardian of the confessional booth.

Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."

So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.

Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."

There's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease, it can affect pigs and cows.

I hope my teacher will be ok.

Look in the mirror. There's a joke for you.

What’s ten feet long and bald?

The conga line in the cancer ward.

What is italian sausage?

The dick of a gay italian.

What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?

One's got hope in her soul, the other's got soap in her hole.

Why is 10 afraid? Because it is in the middle of 9/11.

Sometimes I just wake up in the morning, and think, "Well, better luck next time."

Why was the orphan walking through the neighborhood? I don't know, either. It's not like he has a home to go to.