The jokes
I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.
Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
Because unlike the Twin Towers it can dodge.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to join my family tree... She dropped the rope and ran.
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Memes
My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."
When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag? One's made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other carries groceries.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said...
“We’re calling Child Protective Services.”
A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
What happened to the blind man's son?
He thought he was hitting a piñata.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Why can't Chinese people play baseball?
Because they eat the bat.
"White people can't jump"...
"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
Your hairline is like the universe, still waiting to be discovered.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.
How did they know that Princess Diana had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment...
What's the best thing about abortion jokes?
They never get old.
30 people died in a car wreck before they got to Heaven. God asked for one wish because they died in a tragic way. The first lady, she was obsessed with her looks, so she asked to be beautiful and God granted her wish. The next person didn't know what to wish for, so they wished for the same thing. The guy in the very back was laughing, having a grand old time. Then God got to the person before the last. He said the same, he wished to be beautiful. When God got to the last person, he said, "I want them all to be ugly again."