The jokes
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
So you're the one!
Did you hear about the gays that had a baby? It was a little shit
I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
Memes
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
What's the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird.
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
What's long and not very hairy?
The conga line at the cancer department.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
Me: dozes off while driving. Everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11.
Q: What did Donald Trump say after America gave him the boot?
A: What am I supposed to do with one boot?
What's the only thing with 4 legs Asians don't eat? A table.
I'm torn on the issue of abortion. I'm pro-abortion because it kills babies, but I'm against abortion because it gives women a choice.
What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.
"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?
"Wait, I can explain everything!"
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
My credit card is more declined than the love from my dad.