The jokes

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

Oh no, I feel bad for Stephen Hawking. He can’t get up the stairway to Heaven.

Why did the Orphan go to church?

To call someone father.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

You're the type of person to play "Girl on Fire" during a funeral.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

Apples get picked.

What's the best way to remove gum from hair?

Cancer.

About the guy who gave Stevie Wonder a cheese grater...

He thought it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What do the initials NOW stand for?

(A.) National Organization For Women

(B.) National Organization of Whores

(C.) All the above

Answer:

Since the initials NOW can stand for anything, the correct answer is all the above.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

Last night I had a dream I was swimming in lemonade... turns out I peed the bed.

What do you call a musician 👩‍🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?

A popsinger.

Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.

Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

In memory of Michael Jackson, Vienna Beef, as well as various places, is introducing the Jackson Dog. A 50 year old sausage between a 9 year old bun.

This is to the girl/boy named Gwen: Are you okay? I see there is a bunch of haters but DON'T, I repeat, DON'T let the haters get to you. I hope you see this and respond and that you are okay. Please Gwen, be honest.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand store!

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”