The jokes

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

What’s the difference between black matter and Black Lives Matter?

Black matter leaves an impact.

A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.

The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."

The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."

The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic cabin have in common? The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

My girlfriend told me she used to be a Christian. I asked her why she isn't anymore and she said she liked the name Christina better.

A limbless criminal has just been identified. Police say the suspect is armed and on the run.

Your hairline is so far away that even the Hubble Telescope can't see it.

That moment when the emo kid hangs himself in a bathroom stall, and the autistic kid thinks it's a pinata.

I took my girlfriend to a Chinese restaurant. One hour after ordering, I went to ask the chef what was going on. That was until I heard barking from the kitchen.

Technically, a human is hollow. We have an empty tube through us from the mouth and nose to the asshole and dick or pussy. We are basically tubes.

A police officer pulls over two Catholic priests. He says he's looking for two child molesters.

The Catholic priests look at each other: "We'll do it!"

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? She wanted to send them via airmail.

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch. A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady." He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

The Titanic is now a resort for fish.

If you give someone a plane ticket, they will fly for a day, but if you push them out of a plane, they'll fly for the rest of their life.

What did the titanic say as it was sinking?

I nominate all the passengers to the ice bucket challenge.

Give a man a match, he'll be warm for hours.

Light the man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a tomato?

The tomato gets picked.