The jokes
What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.
My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.
Why did Helen Keller sign the n-word?
She thought she was black.
I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.
What's an emo's favorite game?
Limbo.
(If you don't understand the joke, go look up what Limbo is.)
Memes
6 year old me in bible study trying to figure out where the dinosaurs were
What is the difference between a hooker and a feminist?
If you want a hooker to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.
Why do orphans have water with their cereal? Because their dad never came back with the milk.
How do you get to the Hogwarts gym?
Go through the dumbbell door.
Why was Tickle Me Elmo upset when he left the factory?
Because they only gave him one test tickle.
what's the difference between apples and orphans? ... the apples get picked.
Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He didn’t want to pay the gas bill.
Why is the leaning tower of pizza leaning? 'Cuz it had better reflexes than the twin towers.
Why did the Titanic cross the river to get to the bottom?
Who is the fastest reader? 9/11, it went through 10 stories in 7 seconds.
My life is the joke.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?
Snowballs!
I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I yelled, "I know the entire alphabet," and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
A favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, that is until my mom took the urn away from me.