The jokes

The shovel is a ground breaking invention.

*Slaps and laughs*

The next sentence is telling the truth. The previous sentence is telling a lie.

Why wasn’t the moon hungry?

Because it was full!

My girl is so cute when she sleeps. I watch her all the time... Tomorrow I might say hi to her for the first time.

Why did Michael Jackson dangle his baby out the window?

He was airing his blanket.

Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!

A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.

A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.

The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”

If you own a gun and you live in the USA, hide your gun upstairs. Biden can't get it.

Biden: *falls over on steps*

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car, then didn't talk to her for the rest of the day for no reason.

I got fired from the library. What did I do? I only put a book on women's rights in the fiction section.

I came across a dead body in the woods. I liked it so much I came again.

Jack and Jill went up the hill. So Jack could lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock.

Because Jill's real name was Randy.

Some girl just walks into my 6th period geography class. The first thing I think is, "Oh shit! It's mini Regina George without titties!"

Americans be like: "Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road."

England be like: "Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road."

Russians after a car accident be like: "Here in Russia, road is road."

What is the most popular game at the orphanage?

Need For Speed: Most Wanted.

"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"

"Who was in the race?"

"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"

What's the difference between a depressed person and a pizza? Pizza won't cut itself.

My mother was so sad after my grandpa's death, she went into the bathroom with my uncle, and I could hear their moans of sorrow. She then surprised me later on, saying that she was pregnant.

Why did Helen Keller sign the n-word?

She thought she was black.

I got in big trouble the other day, though it was pretty unfair. Babies kick pregnant women all the time, and yet I got arrested anyways.