The jokes
Last Halloween, I went dressed as a woman. When I rang the doorbell, an elderly woman opened it, and I made a grunting noise and knocked the bowl of candy out of her hands.
She immediately called the police and told them exactly what happened. The officer pulled me aside and asked me a few questions. First, he asked if my parents were here, and I said nothing. Concerned by my answer, he then asked if I was okay, so I said nothing. He asked me what my name was, and I responded, "Hellen Keller."
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
Why did the lion lose the race? Because he was playing with a cheetah.
What’s the difference between a school and an ISIS hideout?
I don’t know, I just fly the drone.
School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.
Me: Have you seen the movie Constipation?
You: No.
Me: Because it hasn’t come out yet! ERMINER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm telling my kids that in 2020 I survived world war 3, the zombie apocalypse, the invasion of the murder hornets, and the second American revolution.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
Your hairline goes so far back, the dinosaurs saw it before you did.
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody that can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
Sally threw herself a birthday party, and only one person showed up. Who is it?
The grim reaper.
So, a doctor walks into the room with a dying patient. He looks the man up and down and says gravely: "I'm sorry, you only have ten left." The other man smiles nervously and asks, "T-ten what doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him. "Nine."
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
A man goes to the library to find the best book about committing suicide. So when he asks the librarian, "What's the best book on committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Oh, fuck off...you won't bring it back anyway."
Wow, didn't know little Jhony jokes were so dark. Well, but what do you expect from a site with jokes about suicide, sex, and drugs? :-)
"Drugs?????" His eyes popped out. Well, I don't really know if there actually are-- and the exact ones... But there's so many kinds of jokes-- even chin jokes. :^))
And slice jokes!
What kind of "slices"?
Handy ones. ^_^
Two boys came home for dinner late, and their mother asked, "Where have you boys been?" One of them replied with, "We were all over the neighborhood, we're mailmen now." Their snobby teen sister said, "Well, you're not real mailmen, real mailmen use real letters." Then one of the boys said, "Actually, we used real letters, we found a whole box of them under your bed."
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.