The jokes
Toto is at school and asks if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says no.
Then, she asks Toto, “Where is the biggest river in the world?”
“Under my bench,” he replies.
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are being chased by bandits. They are chased to the edge of a cliff and a genie appears.
"I will help you escape," says the genie, "say what you wish to turn into, and you will become that thing."
The brunette jumps off the cliff and says "Hawk." She turns into a hawk and flies away. The red-head says "Falcon." She turns into a falcon and flies away. Now the blonde is alone and the bandits are getting closer. She makes her decision and backs up, then runs toward the cliff. And...she trips and says "Crap."
The End
What time do butts get up? At the crack of dawn!!!
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run a race? Because the grass tickles their balls.
What's the most fun a monk can have?
Nun.
Why are the Chinese bad at baseball? Because they already ate the bat!
Why did the legless kid think he won a race?
Because everybody already left.
Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?
He has no legs...
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side!
Why did Paul Walker cross the road?
He wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
An orphan, an emo, and an apple are on a tree. The apples get picked unlike the orphan, while the emo kid is already dead from hanging.
Why was 10 afraid?
Because he was in the middle of 9/11.
A man comes home and hears his wife talking about having sex at the club. The man busts into the club with a revolver and says, "WHO TF FUCKED MY WIFE?" Well, everyone looks over and is quiet, and someone in the back says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets."
What did the bread say to the peanut butter? "I think your nuts."
What did Captain Picard say when he brought his sewing machine to the repairman? -- "Make it sew."
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."
So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?"
"Yes," replies the murderer, "Can you please hold my hand?"