The jokes
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.
What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. eventually went home!
When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women. I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl, and I said,
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific, so I said,
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
Memes
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
A man walks into a bar.
Then he walks into a Pole.
Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
In honor of Diddy:
The ice cream machine at McDonald's now works!
Why do trans women make the best golf course grounds staff?
They’re enthusiastic about getting rid of unwanted balls.
What’s the difference between white people and Black people?
One runs from the police, one runs for the police.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you breathe through something so small?"
School was fun, but it was hard, almost like riding a bike that’s on fire and the grounds on fire and everything’s on fire because it’s hell.
Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.
What vegetable is good for your memory? A carrot, because the last time I had one shoved up my ass, I never forgot about it.
I bought my blind friend a house on the edge of a cliff.
They died of happiness and a 30 story fall.
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
My friend was pissed off with me. I was sniffing his sister's knickers. It was worse that they were still on her. It was worse the family were there. It made the rest of her funeral really awkward.