The jokes
Where does the keyboard go to dinner? The space bar.
What 7 letters do you say when you open the fridge and see it’s empty?
O I C U R M T
If messyourself was on the Titanic, he would die first.
Advertisement: "What's in your wallet?"
Me: "The same amount of money as there is my will to live... ;_)"
Article 1: the Titanic is practically unsinkable.
Article 4: the Titanic sank.
Doctor: I've got good news and bad news.
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: I've got you flowers.
Patient: Awww, What's the bad news?
Doctor: They're for your grave.
What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? Unlike the porcupine, the pricks are on the inside.
Student: "May I use the restroom, professor?"
Professor: "Oui oui."
Student: "No, professor, doo doo!"
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
So they can get in the cast!
The best joke in the world is me.
Don't say that you're not a joke. Jokes have meanings.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
I was walking down the street and I punched a white guy, then I was arrested for assault. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer.
How are Kentucky Fried Chicken and a woman the same?
Once you take away the legs and the breasts, you’re left with one greasy box to put your bone in.
Why does the military recruit orphans?
Because homing missiles don’t target them.
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Why do strippers never care about things?
Because the last time they gave a fuck, it was for $20 an hour.
I asked my mom what is dark humor. She said "see them boy over there in the wheelchair, ask him to walk." I said, "but I’m blind." She responded, "Exactly."
When the US Army found Chinese soldiers selling secrets to China, they said, "Looks like we have some chinks in our armor."
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."