The jokes

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

How do you circumcise a redneck?

You kick his sister in the jaw.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

What's the difference between a sack of dead babies and a Mercedes?

I don’t have a Mercedes.

What's the difference between an ISIS training center and a school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

What's an alien's favorite computer key?

The space bar!

what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.

Why is Stephen Hawking good at skateboarding? Because he's always on the ramps.

What’s the difference between Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker?

They both died at 95.

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

What do you call a kid who's been kidnapped?

Well, her name's Sally, so I guess... Sally. My main concern is getting her out of the freezer.

A couple were trying new things in the bedroom to spice up their marriage. The husband would blindfold the wife, put on a condom and she would guess the flavor. They did this one time a night.

The first night, she put the blindfold on and he put the condom on his dick and she tasted it, she immediately knew it was strawberry. The second night, the same thing happened except it was banana. The third night, she put the blindfold on and tasted his dick and said, "Eww it tastes like cheese and onions." The husband replied, "Hang on I haven't put the condom on yet."

If there is a hair, the meat is ruined.

What did the green light say to the red light? - Don't look, I'm changing!

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.

What does the 'w' in Africa stand for? Water.

Why did the silly girl put sugar under her pillow?

She wanted to have sweet dreams. 😂

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?

The “cold and passed out” kind.

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? I can't peanut butter my dick up your ass.