The jokes

Which nut is the best at playing tag?

Catch-yous, aka cashews.

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

Please stop hurting people's feelings, or they'll hang around the house.

The Pope drives around in a glass box, or as I like to call him, a sniper's dream.

What does a kid do when he's bored and he's sitting? He puts wheels on the chair and makes it a wheelchair.

*Chatting with a stranger on the internet*

Me: Hi, how are you?

A stranger: I'm fine, hbu?

Me: I'm good. 🤷‍♂️

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets!"

What do I think about the Kennedy assassination?

First of all, he should have had a roof on that car.

I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time it was sung... the line “fire away” caused massive confusion and shooting!

Yo mama's so fat, she thinks the buffet is the starter plate.

Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.

What is one question on a tech test you should always ask before getting down?

What in the Robot!?

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

What's the definition of disgusting?

Sticking 5 oysters up your grandmother and sucking 6 out!

Did you hear about the midget who was beaten to death playing volleyball at a nudist colony?

Q: What's the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic? A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

I slit my wrist and said, "THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" So I did it again, but with a knife and said, "NOW *THAT'S* A LOT OF DAMAGE!" I then put watertight Flex Seal on the wound, and it didn't seal.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

So it could get to the other side!

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.