The jokes

After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,

Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"

Me: "WYD?"

Her: "Just dealing with a lot: depression, anxiety, and the feeling that I'll never be enough."

Me: "Without me? Lol"

I got sent to the principal's office for giving an orphan kid a family-size pack.

Why did the orphan get arrested for identity theft?

He dressed up as Batman for Halloween.

The Golden State? More like your mum's state...

There was a kid in my class who said my face looked like a physical reaction (we were learning about that stuff at the time), so I said I made a chemical reaction with his mom last night.

Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?

Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."

Therapist: That's not so bad.

Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."

Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!

If I tell you, "Jesus is the trickster," am I, or is he?

Ur mom is so fat that when she came to the front door, she was already at the back door.

What's long, hard, and bloody?

The Boston Marathon.

Your forehead is so big, when you go to the toilet, it bends. You stooped.

There is nothing gayer than butt slapping the ass at Hooters.

What do you call a burning orphan in a wheelchair? Hot Wheels.

What hit the ground first, the orphan or the apple? The apple. The orphan never hit the ground.

What did the shoe tell the feet?

"Put me on your feet!"

What does the f in orphan stand for? Family.

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

What did the farmer say to the pig? "You snout to believe it!"

What did the tomato say to the other tomato?

Yo mama so fat, when she was just there, she made the whole earth go back to the ice age!