The jokes

A 90 year old man takes a Viagra.

Strips off naked, lies down in an alley way. Three chicks walk on by: a blond, a brunette, and a red head.

The red head said, "I'm not letting that go to waste," so she strips off and rides him. When she's finished,

The brunette then strips off naked and rides him. The blond's now worried because she just got her period. The red head sez, "He's dead. Don't let it go to waste," so she strips off naked and rides him. Then he wakes up. He then says, "Wow, two jump starts and a blood transfusion. I'm good to go!"

A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter, and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.

Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."

What's the difference between a pool and a toddler?

One doesn't scream when you go in dry ;)

Went to my local Indian restaurant and asked the waiter for a chicken tarka Masala.

The waiter said, "What's that?"

I said, "It's the same as a tikka, just a little otter."

How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?

I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because fuck society, that's why!

What is Hawking's number one song? The Beach Boys: "I Get Around."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The butt.

The butt who?

The butt goes mooooo!

What did the explorer say when he got tired?

I'm gonna take a map.

Why did the skeleton eat tacos?

Because he was hungry.

What did the teacher say to the student?

Orange you glad to see me?

What is the difference between a puppy and a fork?

I don’t microwave forks.

I have one policy, and that is to not make fun of black people.

Sorry, Jesus. You were white in the Bible pictures.

Putin be like, Finland and Sweden are bullying me with NATO, the same NATO that can't even reload a gun! Russians are pussies!

How do you have sex? You take off your clothes and shove your dick in the girl's pussy. If girl suck his dick.

When I was on the Titanic, I got broken.

Where is the pocket?

It is there, the pocket.

Kid: “What happened to Dad?”

Mom: “He flew into the Twin Towers.”

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

The hooker can wash out her crack and reuse it.

Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?

Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.

Dad: She had to take the deep penis.

Son: Umm...... WHAT!?

Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.

Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.

Dad: Epi Pen.